Friends in Orange - and Personal Questions 2005-10-06

I held off on posting this image for a long time because: a) I feared cosplay overkill, and b) I'd already posted a picture of the girl on the left. But I like this photo -- especially the visual relationship between the two against the background (of translucent orange and dark bars). Any thoughts?

On a cultural note, I had an interesting conversation with my wife about asking Japanese people, "How are you?" in Japanese. ("Dou desuka?" or just "Dou...?") A friend of ours was told (by an older, 40ish Japanese woman) to stop asking her, "How are you?" and other "probing questions." She was upset because she was trying to work, and it wasn't a good time to come up with a suitable response. Furthermore, she felt it was condescending to have a younger co-worker checking on her that way. In Japan it's the moral duty of superiors in the workplace to consider the well-being of the workers "in their care" and make sure they're doing okay. She perceived it as cocky for someone younger than herself to take that role and in such a laid back (smiling, sincere) way.

My wife, who is Japanese, explained to this woman that when Americans say, "How are you?" it's fine to say, "Okay" (or something along those lines). For Americans, this is a greeting that shows "neutral" concern for the other person without any expecation of an honest answer. (Some Americans DO try to ask this question honestly, by the way, with a willingness to genuinely listen to the reply. While commendable, I suppose, that might be even more uncomfortable for this Japanese woman.)

I'm not trying to open the door for everyone to say how much they don't like American sentimentalities like, "How are you?" I remember a survey that the BBC did awhile ago that revealed how strongly Europeans dislike the words, "Have a nice day." The truth is that people from every culture have their own annoying questions (remarks, mannerisms, silences, etc.).

But here is another angle on the issue. The problem is that our friend translated a polite American greeting directly into Japanese and thought he could use it with the same warm intentions and meaning. But, in fact, the meaning (and his polite intentions) were lost in translation. She had given vague answers and put up with his custom for a long time, but finally she "exploded" (quietly, I'm sure) and told him to stop.

I don't mean to make him look bad either. After hearing this story, I realized that I have often asked the staff at our local Starbucks, "Kyou wa dou desuka?" (i.e., How are you today?) or just "Dou...?". Sometimes after an odd look, they have answered, "It's busy" or "It's so hot outside, isn't it?" or "I'm tired." Noticing the odd looks, I've tried other approaches, including innocuous statements, like: "It's hot/cold/raining again, huh?" or "It's busy/not that busy?" or even, "You look tired today?" I've noticed that the staff at Starbucks smile warmly and sometimes launch into a REAL conversation after a comment about the weather.

My wife confirms that these kinds of neutral/semi-personal statements (especially in work and professional places) are much better than personal or open ended questions. (Side note: So called "thought provoking" questions are generally a problem if there is ANY POSSIBILITY that you may expect a specific RIGHT answer. The idea that "there is no wrong answer" is not the usual way of thinking here.) There may be a time and place for "revealing" or "thought provoking" questions, but that's material for another post. I WILL say that, in general, Japanese people talk about their inner selves and feelings much less (and with far fewer people) than Americans do. And when they open up and start sharing with a "sincere" American, something they would only normally do with a highly trusted friend, they may regret that and shut down later (and/or find it shocking when the American moves on as though nothing significant happened).