December 02, 2004
Fall and Friends in Japan
I thought I'd write a few words about making friends here in Japan. Years ago I read a short book about bonding in a new culture. It basically said that the key to transitioning successfully into the host culture is forming relationships: getting out there, finding helpers, being an active learner, making friends, etc. If the people in the new culture speak a different language, learn it. Immerse yourself. Head for the deep end. The authors suggested that people who bond deeply may not go through culture shock, at least not to the extremes that some people experience it, and they will learn the language and culture better than those who limit the exposure and risk, keep a foot firmly in the expat community, and focus their language learning in language schools.
I'm a big fan of language schools, at least for Japanese, but I've wanted from the beginning to learn the language and culture of Japan through immersion. The few people that I've met here who have really mastered Japanese (both the language and culture) have done this.
I'm not talking about losing your own culture, by the way. I remember hearing a presentation another time by a person who said that everyone who faces culture shock (and that was me in Japan) comes to a crossroads at some point. One road leads to rejection of the host culture (and by this point in the journey, you will have a long list of peeves, irritations and things you simply can't stand). Another road leads to rejecting your own culture and joining the host culture (or "going native" as some would say). A third way leads to integration: coming to peace with the good and bad in your own and the host culture, letting the pieces come together again and moving forward forever changed. I like the third way.
How have I done? I'm not sure if I'm getting there yet. I may still hover at the crossroads. Our first month in Japan we found out that my wife was pregnant with twins. We had moved to a place where we would not have many relationships with expats, but we found ourselves overwhelmed at times, and making relationships with Japanese people was very slow. Well, it's slow for everyone (except maybe not for those on the Tokyo party circuit, but I wasn't looking for those kinds of relationships). Making friends is a tremendous challenge even for Japanese people, as I've learned. Most Japanese people (especially men) will tell you they met their closest friends at school or at work. After school and outside of work, they usually make few new friendships. This is one of the reasons that in Japan people actually attend elementary school reunions (and I've heard of people who've attended preschool reunions). It's a reason to value any close, trusted friendships you may have very highly.
Ok, hmm, my wife is waiting now to watch iRobot in these remaining few minutes of the day that we actually get to spend together without the kids. I think that's important enough to finish these thoughts another time soon... In the meantime, write a comment and I'll try to respond in my next post.
It seems to me like it would be impossible to "go native" in Japan, because you would never be fully accepted. You'd always be gaijin, no matter how well you learn the language or that your family is Japanese or what not. Maybe I am wrong, I am definitely not the Japan expert.
I hate to be nosy, but are you a missionary by chance? Some of the terminology you're using sounds exactly like what I was taught in my cross-cultural ministry classes at university. But perhaps those are just general cross-cultural anything terms.
By the way, I love your pictures of the kids. Those are too cute. I'm a frequent reader... I'll try to comment more often now that I'm here in Japan.
When I lived in Japan, I went through the exact experience as described above.
For me, I found going native had less to do with how others treated you, and more to do with how you treated yourself.
Even while I was aware of special treatment almost constantly by people I met, I also learned that the key to feeling content was to not look at myself that way. Once I began to see myself in a new light, I began to notice my differences less and less, or perhaps better to say, I began to notice my similarities to others. Self Delusion? Probably. But very successful in feeling accepted. But ultimately, this was my path to option #3.
Posted by: Logan at December 3, 2004 07:09 AMFYI, I deleted several comments by Silly Sally again along with comments referencing what she said. I asked her previously not to comment on the blog. Then she came back, and I was dumb enough to respond to her. She posted one final "swan song," but that was followed right away with another barbed comment. Sorry to those who feel left out. I would be glad to point you to HER blog, but as far as I know she doesn't have one. SS is well known among Asian bloggers, and I'm not alone in taking these kinds of steps. I do welcome people to post differing opinions and experiences as long as they do so with respect for others here.
Posted by: Andy at December 3, 2004 05:06 PMHi, your comments on making friends in a new place are very observant. I've been in Japan over a year now and I've found the process of making friends a very, very slow process as well. However, to tell you the truth I have noticed that even back home in the States building a friendship once you are an adult takes quite a bit of time as well.
I think being in a foreign country just emphasizes it even more. But either way, I guess the best thing is to just try to move along slowly and see how things go.
Another thing that I have found among relations with other expats is that for many of them Japan is merely a transitory adventure phase. So, just as you get to know them they are off to yet another place!
Posted by: Al Hoang at December 4, 2004 09:30 PMhi i am posting this from dallas tx just tryng to grt some friend in japan want to come there sometimes what choul i do
Posted by: beatrice at December 20, 2004 08:30 AM