April 15, 2004

Connecting with Real People in Japan

I was talking with two Japanese men not long ago and told them in my limited Japanese that I want to connect with people. I want my Japanese to improve enough so that I can talk about things that are important "from the heart." Talking "heart to heart" is an image that communicates clearly in Japanese. Anyway, one of them said that what he wants from others is that they leave him alone. He didn't say this to counter my statement but just as an honest expression.

What he said is a reality in Japanese culture. There is a tremendous reserve, expressed through images like "building walls," "wearing masks" or just "hiding inside." This aspect of Japanese culture (or at least what I've learned of it so far) seems to contradict a strong value that I have. But I know that Japanese people really value relationships, including "heart to heart" relationships based on honesty and trust. I've seen the evidence, heard from my wife, and I hope to learn this from experience.

It's taken two years of hard work and frustration, but now I know enough Japanese to talk about some of those important things. I'm a bit dangerous. That is, I could say something really offensive without knowing it, I'm sure. But people are gracious with me. I've been meeting every Saturday with a friend who I met in Starbucks. We speak for a 1/2 hour in English and 1/2 hour in Japanese. The best part is that I'm getting to know him as a friend and not just a language partner. I've also just started meeting with one of the young women who works at Starbucks for a language exchange. Her English is much more limited but we connected well in our first meeting.

This week after meeting with her (the worker at Starbucks), I rode my bicycle home (about 10 minutes away). As I was going down a narrow street I had to get way to the side to let some guy driving a low rider get by. This was a real low rider -- a Ford of some sort, I think. He bounced it a bit with his hydraulics just to impress the American (me). I ride a big mountain bike. As I moved to the side an older woman was walking toward me. She jumped back a bit when she saw the (big) bicycle with the (big) foreigner coming toward her. I slowed way down, and I saw her giving me a blank stare.

Normally, and especially in the past, I would have translated her expression to mean something like: "yuck...a big, dangerous foreigner, I hope he doesn't run me over." But I was in a good mood and ready to assume the best, so as I passed I quietly said, "Weird car, huh?" Her face broke instantly into a nice, familiar smile as she nodded and said, "Neeeh" (Yeah). I thought about that moment the rest of the way home. A few words in Japanese broke through a wall that I thought was ten feet thick. The walls may be more permeable than meets the eye. Imagine when I learn a few more words!

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Posted by jw at April 15, 2004 10:45 PM
Comments

I just happened to run upon your website. I found out last week that I'll be moving to Japan this August (I'm also an American who has no Japanese ability), so this is providing some valuable insight for me. And I love the photography!

Posted by: ann at April 15, 2004 11:40 PM

I love the website. Great insights and some beautiful pictures. I'm doin an internship through my university this summer in Hikone for a couple months and bursting with excitement about it. i can't wait.
It seems like you love figuring out the culture and becuase of that i was wondering if you could answer a question of mine. I have a mohawk and I can't decide if i should cut it before i go. the last thing i want to do is offend anybody, but i've grow quite attached to it. (it's not large or spikey, or colored or anything. i don't dress like a punk either.) what do you think? or for that matter what do you think my host family will think.
thanks
~jason

Posted by: Jason Schuurman at April 16, 2004 04:03 AM

I don't have a clear answer about the mohawk question. You see lots of Japanese young people with very bold hairstyles, and hair seems to be an area where there is some permission to show your individuality. Hey, if 50 year old ladies can dye their hair purple or green, what's shocking after that?

On the other hand, it really depends on your host family. If they have experience hosting other people and with foreigners in general, then I think they would be ok with your hair. My wife suggests that some families would be scared. It would be up to you to quickly show that you are not scary or dangerous.

You could contact the host school/organization and ask whether the family has experience hosting foreigners. You could ask them about the mohawk, but keep in mind that you'll be somewhat obligated to take their advice whether you agree or not. Of course, it's a good idea to show up with a simple, nice gift in your hand (even better, in a "cute" gift bag), a gentle smile on your face, and a humble attitude as you get to know them.

Anyone else care to comment on this?

Posted by: AG at April 16, 2004 09:40 AM

Have you ever taken the Myers-Briggs test? Are you an I-type (variously described as independent, introvert, or loner) or an E-type (extrovert, a person energized by the presence of others)?

Although I'm an American and live in Texas (where everything is bigger, louder and more in your face), I am an I-type. I am friendly and outgoing within my small circle of friends, but I'm not the kind of person to strike up a conversation with a stranger while standing in line. I was always very comfortable with the Japanese level of reserve...and I ended up marrying a Brit. Those old island nations have a lot of national character in common. Maybe it's the only way to maintain some level of privacy in a very small crowded environment.

All of this just to say that maybe it isn't just a Japanese/foreigner issue. I'm glad your story had a happy ending. Good positive reinforcement for you effort to hope for the best rather than assume the worst. I'm sure that the more Japanese you learn that the more you'll feel part of things.

Posted by: M Sinclair Stevens at April 17, 2004 01:36 PM

I am an "I" type, although borderline. You're right that it isn't just a Japanese-foreigner issue. That was my point, actually, although I was getting there indirectly. Many people, especially when they first arrive, think that lots of Japanese people dislike foreigners. Of course, there are those who dislike foreigners whether from ignorance, fear or intention. But, as you say, it's wrong to leap to the conclusion that someone doesn't like you just because of a first (or second or third...) impression. Learning the language and culture will change your perspective in most cases AND give you tools to break down the ignorance and fear that may exist. Thanks.

Posted by: AG at April 17, 2004 10:07 PM

Thanks for the advice, it was well appreciated. I found out recently the host families are requiring pictures of thier hostees so i guess they'll get a look see before i arrive also.

basically i don't want to appear negative, unfreindly, or unaproachable, because that's not what i am at all, and i hope my personality shows that. unfortunately two years of Japanese language study hasn't gotten me to the point of real communication at all, so my actions better speak louder than words.

just for fun I'll post an update on the mohawk situaion when i get there.

Keep up the good work and I know i'll be back soon because your insights are totemo omoshiroi!

~Jason

Posted by: Jason at April 19, 2004 05:23 AM